He: The house is a mess, and I’m hungry
She: I’m so tired, I have a project I need to do.
He: That’s enough, I’m sick of always coming after your schoolwork. When was the last time you cooked?
She: Buy something from outside, I’ve got too much stuff to do. I also need to get the kids bathed and put to bed so I can finish my work for tomorrow.
He: If you loved me you’d cook me rice.
She: That’s the measure of love? Everyone else I go to uni with has maids, I’m the only one who doesn’t.
He: So I’m supposed to get you a maid now? We don’t have any money.
She: That’s not what I mean, can’t you be patient and understanding a little?
He: You’ve been going to school for 6 years already. I got married to have a wife, not to live like this.
This couple almost got a divorce last week. My husband was called in to intervene and talk to the man. I talked to the woman to get her side of the story so when my husband was talking to the man, he’d have more of the facts. We’d already gotten the cliffnotes version from her father who gave us the call and we were discussing the issues in the car on the way to meet them. Being close to the woman I knew more background on the story than my husband did so I asked him to pass on a few morsels of counsel to the man. I wanted him to tell the man about our life when I was a student in England.
We were both studying but of course (as is the way it is in most of the world, wrong or right) the housework and childcare were my responsibility. My husband’s degree took precedence over mine because although we were both on scholarship, his career and consequently our future, depended on HIS doing a good job.
· Remember my bouts of crying because I had too much on my plate?
· Remember how I wouldn’t sit down to eat with my family because I had to start on the cleanup?
· Remember how I had to choose either attending lectures or studying, I didn’t have time for both?
· Remember how I was the only Saudi female student we met who had small kids but no maid?
· Remember how I could only do my uni work after the kids were fed, bathed, played with, sent to bed and the house cleaned?
· Remember how I had to base what lectures I chose on the timetable and how it fit around my kids being home, not on the quality or content of the lecture?
· Remember how when I had essays due, and there’d always be three or more due at the same time, I’d have to do a housework and children strike for almost a week previous to the due date, not sleep for 3 days previous to the due date, and once again cry because I can’t do the good job that I wanted to and I know I’m capable of and I was so stressed out.
· Remember how skinny and sickly I became because of the pressure? I spent second semester of my third year in and out of the hospital with asthma, many attacks were triggered by stressful situations.
· Remember how we had to put off having more children because there’s no way a baby could have fit into the chaos?
· Remember how I had to do my grocery shopping online because I could point and click and Voila! It was delivered for a fiver.
· Remember how I’d go months without talking to some of my friends because I didn’t have time?
· What beauty regime? Oh yeah, every week I’d clip my nails. I had an annual hair trim immediately after taking the year’s last exam. Good thing I wore hijab AND nikaab at uni! There were days I had on my PJ’s under my jilbab.
I regularly talked with this woman about her struggles while trying to finish university. I already knew of her husband’s attitude towards being “neglected”. She confides in me since many stay-at-home old-school Saudi women don’t understand the pressure she’s under. She’d gotten married, had two babies, underwent a major health scare and spent much time in the hospital with one of her children all since starting her studies.
This could be any couple, any where in the world. Although some western men may help somewhat around the house, I’ve heard statistics which suggest that women in two-income families still do upwards of 80% of the housework in America and England.
And even the 20% SOME of them do is praised unnecessarily! Don’t be surprised a Saudi man sits around like King Farrouk waiting to be served by his frazzled wife because unfortunately, they’re not the only ones as I’m sure we’ll hear about in the comments section. I remember some of my Eastern European relatives bitching because their son was washing the dishes after getting home from work: his wife had three kids under the age of 5!
Rather than relating more sad stories of female oppression via housework, I want my readers to feel how universal this situation is. Did it make any difference that it took place in Saudia, in Arabic, and with two Saudis in an Islamic marriage?
