Friday, November 23, 2007

TP Or No TP- That Is The Question

TP or no TP- that is the question;

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
By braving soggy undies, by far it is tougher.
But that dread of something with which I take issue
The undiscover’d truth- thou art without tissue

Islam requires the washing of your bottom
But alas, no tissues! If I’d only brought’em!
To grunt and sweat under forceful nature’s effluence
Then wash with one’s hand is Saudis toileting preference

I am sicklied o’er the thought of just using
My lovely left hand, it na’er requires musing
This despis’d custom turns my expression awry.
If only TP to wipe, perchance to dry.

To refuse using tissue, methinks you’re not pious
The reality is, you’ve revealed your true bias.
Your claim that its use imitates the kuffar
Is completely unlike driving your western-made car.

Or your wife, beautied with a plast’ring art
Her and her Sephora must be pried apart?
And your children’s addiction to video-gaming
Is not due to the toilet paper you’re blaming.

Muslims can wipe, wash, and then dry their toosh
And it helps to prevent the dred’d yeasty bush
So if only to avoid your guests throwing a fit
Go buy some TP so our hands don’t touch s**t.

55 comments:

Marie-Aude said...

Excellent !

Amy said...

Weeeeeeiiiiirrrrd

Anonymous said...

What about water force only. It is enough; better than hands and better than TP.

TP is disgusting way of cleaning, sometimes the condition of the output liquid like, cleaning using TP becomes very disgusting experience in this condition and hard to clean.

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious! & already a nay sayer! I too am American living over here so I have adjusted my washing rituals since. You have the right idea here, a combination of washing with water and drying with tp is the only way to go!

Another great perspective on how Saudi's pick and choose what they consider to un-Islamic while completely ignoring other stuff that they couldn't live without--the car analogy explained that well.

Great post. You always know how to make your readers laugh! :-)

Sam

Anonymous said...

Yes, wash and dry, this is the most superior of cleaning methods. And omg, I died laughing. You're quite the poet!

Muse

Anonymous said...

What about the flushable wet wipes (like baby wipes). Wouldn't that be superior to any of these ideas?

Anonymous said...

Wash and dry!!! ;)sf

Anonymous said...

TP is available in the markets right? Right!?!
My in-laws in NA were fastidious to keep separate towels in the bathroom...I always wondered if that was why. Of course, being a fan of wash and dry, I just bought TP!
Perchance the sahaba had better opportunity for air drying?
~Ummbadier

Anonymous said...

Oh, lest I forget-your prose is tight!
~Brooke

Cairogal said...

I always maitained the the region suffered a higher number of yeast infections as the result of not drying themselves once they finished w/ the hosepipe. Never mind that toilets in public places have so many 'liquids' on the floor, that one can never be too sure what they're walking in.

Mona said...

This had me in a fit of laughter. I think water and tp go hand in hand for this purpose. There are alot of houses I've been in that have no TP that's why I always keep tissues in my purse. I never knew people deemed it unislamic! How ODD.

Anonymous said...

that was so to the point ... i loved it. Too funny :)love your blog by the way
~~~ just passing by ~~~ samira

L_Oman said...

Too funny!

But man, TP is way expensive here -premium stuff is over $10 a pack!

Michele said...

Thanks for the post. So eloquent!
My friends & I here in Saudi have never been able to figure this one out. The new malls have clean new bathrooms and not a tp dispenser in sight. I learned to always carry tissue. Couldn't figure out what everyone else does after hosing off and no tissue in sight! I'll have to ask the doc-hubby if there is a higher incidence of yeast infections here.

Saudi Stepford Wife-Daisy said...

marie-aude- long time no see, I hope you're well.

amy- just one of many

anon- I'm all for water washing, but not everyplace has high enough water pressure to blast the yuckies off on its own which would make either a hand or wiping first necessary.

Sam- I hope you got housing sans the squat toilet...for me, that was an even bigger issue than the tissue!

Muse- I prefer the tp/wash/dry method for heavy jobs. (boy is this personal or what?!)

anon2- we're lucky enough to get toilet paper! when I first got here even tp was rare. I used to buy those flushable wet wipes for my kids in England because it was too hard for them to manage pouring the water from a small jug to wash themselves, but in Saudia with the floor drains(don't need to worry about water spilling on the floor) and the spray hoses, a tp/wash combo does the trick.

sf-bingo! was there a tp shortage where your family is? because once your hooked there's no going back-eh?

Ummbadier- Yup, now there's even a few brands as opposed to 10 years ago when I was lucky to find it at all. I know a couple of the old ladies go commando (and admit to it) but I'm sure my MIL doesn't cuz I see her bloomers almost daily as she struggles to get up and down from sitting on the floor. I've never seen a bathroom towel in most old houses here, but there's one hanging just outside.

Brooke- :-) thanx, it was unfortunately the product of a sleepless night at 4am otherwise you may have actually gotten iambic pentameter too.

Cairogal- damn straight there's more yeast here, men too! Jock-itch here is the stuff of legends. One of my close friends who routinely worked in Dubai teaching ESL made me a care-package before I left USA...amongst many things it contained a roll of toilet paper and a tube of gynalotramine, she'd been there done that several times.

Mona- only some will pull the religion card, I think most just aren't used to it. But they got awful used to kleenex awfully fast, didn't they?!

samira- be sure to stop back often.

l-oman- hell, i'm so happy to get tp I've forgotten the premium stuff exists. I've taken to bulk shopping once a month so I buy carton o'TP and it lasts forever! Local-made TP, kleenex, and paper towels are all really crappy quality here unless you shell out to buy the imported.

michele- Just between myself and my friends, Arab and otherwise, we've all noticed an increase in yeast problems after coming here from other countries. In fact, every year when coming home from England or America it's one way the country tells me, "welcome back".

Saudi Jawa said...

Actually, it's a common myth that TP is un-Islamic. There are two ways to wipe yourself in Islamic texts: using water or using leaves or stones. Its been said many times that TP provides the same function as leaves of old. Like many things here in SA, the lack of TP is just another one those social irregularities mistaken for religious ones.

BTW, if you ever go to Japan be sure to bring your own tissues with you if you go to a public toilet. Most places assume that you will bring your own and offer no TP dispensers. Odd but true :)

Kathryn said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I laughed and laughed this morning. Using public toilets here in al-Khobar is something I refuse to do unless absolutely necessary because there is always whatever all over the floor. Must be all that high pressure cleaning! Actually, I think the abaya was invented in black polyester to cover up all the water that must cover people's clothes after a visit to the loo! I'm glad its not just me that finds it all a bit odd

Anonymous said...

Actually, my cousin in ME had tp and it never occurred to me that other places wouldn't have it. She used to keep it on top of the sink. I teach my oldest daughter to tp/wash/tp too! But back home it's just washing with water with no tp :(. sf

Saudi Stepford Wife-Daisy said...

saudi jawa- this is the same conversation I've had with others:
"Book 002, Number 0458:
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: When anyone wipes himself with pebbles (after answering the call of nature) he must make use of an odd number..." Sahih Muslim

Kathryn- I've found a way to roll up my abaya and tuck it up so it NEVER touches the floor of any bathroom here but I have my hands free! (I mentioned I'm a bit of a germaphobe right?)

sf- oh oh, be sure to grab two tissues on the way in like I do now when your "back home".

The DP said...

hilarious!
yeast infections...i get bladder infections when there is no tp!
horrible things.
and yes, i have found out through various channels, like several commenters here have said already, that i do the convert special--the water THEN the tp. *sigh*

HijabIsOverrated said...

Spray bottle, Wet naps, and TP to dry in that order.

LOVE IT... gives you that oh so shower fresh feeling. lol

I hate going to masjid Bathrooms. They are always wetter than a water park. I'm afraid to take off my sockes and full wudu. I always think I'm going to catch something.

Zainab said...

Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Im a UK muslim, and i always used the tp > wash > dry method, i cant do one or the either! lol funny post, it aint just saudi u see this in.

Coolred38 said...

Just passing through and found this hilarious blog...keep up the great work.

ive always found it rather odd that considering the mania for cleanliness for prayer in the Islamic world...the public toilets(and even some of the private ones) can be a real halth horror. Just dont get it.

btw Im a washer and a drier myself...cant go outside in all that heat with wet undies...its a rash in the making(learned the hard way) sigh!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!!! I use to wipe(TP),wash then dry. The water pressure here is very low though , when I 1st moved to Saudi I use to flush the TP but it clogged the toilet up and had to call the plumber. You can imagine how embarrassing that was just newly married, lol. Now I just wash and wipe.

Safiya said...

Salaam Alaikum,

Wipe with TP, wash then dry.

That is not the big issue about M.E bathrooms - has anyone had to use a "traditional" toilet. Very difficult.

P.S You and your poetry are great.

Aliyah said...

Assalaamu alaykum!

This post is brilliant and hilarious!!!! Well done, Daisy.

I'm a TP, wash, TP girl. We (as we live in the West) only have our trusty watering can to use instead of a hose. I'm glad to use the watering can as I don't feel all that confident of directing high-powered streams of water towards any of my orifices - Note:I'm just joking because I know you can adjust the pressure down :P To save paper (somewhat), we each have our own small towel for drying which is changed either every other day or earlier, if necessary.

I learned very quickly while in the ME to carry tissues in my handbag - AND not to wear trousers under my abaya. Females wearing trousers while using a floor toilet do not mix! I was too afraid of falling in/down head (or bottom) first. I don't even want to think about what "liquids" were a-mixing on the bathroom or wudu areas *shudder* Yes, abaya are black and crease-resistant for a reason, lol!


I don't know if it's true but I heard TP clogs the toilet plumbing in some (third-world) countries. Someone I knew travelled to Mexico and said they had to put the USED (from #1 & #2) tp in a bin beside the toilet. Double gross.

I personally wouldn't flush baby wipes down the toilet - it's only a matter of time until they would clog up the system, even in very modern toilets and plumbing.

I have a female friend who is a GP (she is also a Muslim).She told me to dry after washing. She said using water decreases UTI (urinary tract infections) and drying decreases the chance of a yeast infection. And always use a front to back motion whatever you do.

Sorry for the long comment but I felt extra chatty today *smile*

Suburban said...

Daisy,

I almost peed on myself laughing when I read this. fess up. You must have been a classical English Literature major in college.

Men, stop reading here.

You're right about the yeastie issues. I'm a big fan of going "commando" during the summertime, especially when I'm wearing a realy heavy abayah (which is a pretty rare occurence). Aside from allowing for superior air circulation, I'm all conservative on the outside, freaky on the inside. Which just cracks me up.

As far as cures go... This sounds gross.. peeled raw garlic cloves are the best remedey I've found for a yeast infection. Waay faster than over the counter goo, and a lot less messy.

hema said...

are we seriosuly having this conversation?*shrugs shoulders*ok!
we had the no toilet paper problem in pakistan.it's not very comfortable is it? on the other hand, those water pressure things are so nifty!
it's the opposite problem in public bathrooms here ie no water,so wet wipes are the only solution.

أبو سنان said...

I get a kick out of those who dont use certain things because they dont want to "immitate the kuffar".

These people are usually VERY selective in what they dont want to immitate. Very seldom do you see these types not use air conditioning, dont they know that the cool air they get that makes Saudi summers comfortable comes from the "Kuffar"?

I hope they dont use cars, fly in planes, use cell phones, computers, the internet, or even use guns, as those all come from "the kuffar".

As a matter of fact, the niqab, as we know it, comes from the Kuffar in Greece, in times of old. How many of these types do you think are going to uncover their women now?

Hypocrites, one and all!

Besides, these guys miss the forest for the trees. They get so literal that they loose the message.

The Prophet was a VERY clean man. Had he been alive today one can guarantee he would have done everything he could to be as clean as possible, that means using toilet paper and even hand-sanitizer!

Cairogal said...

Sometimes the pressure is WAY too much, though. You end leaving abrasions down there! Even worse, if it's pulling from your cold water tank on the roof.....OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Saudi Stepford Wife-Daisy said...

the DP- a bladder infections are so fun here with the types of medications they prescribe, from about 30 years ago.

HijabIsOverrated- When I'm in the west, I make wudu with my morning shower, put a pair of socks on and don't take them off for the rest of my prayers, just pass my wet hands over them.

zainab- thanks for stopping by:-)

anon1- it was always such an issue in the UK&US..."DON'T GET WATER ON THE FLOOR!", water from those little pots don't do the job!

Coolred38- Stop by again. You reminded me of the miqat on the way to Mecca, it's a nightmare!!! I've almost cried in there and next time I go to Mecca, I'll do everything before I leave home because I will NEVER wash in that disgusting place again-sunna or not!!!

Anon2- you must live in Jeddah! THe water pressure here is so high I've unintentionally given myself a colonic a time or two:-P

Safiya- wa alaikum salam. My in-laws had to install a "chair" toilet for me after I first came here, and I was pregnant, because I couldn't deal with the squat toilet. Now they love it because it's easier for them (they're old and arthritic).

aliyah- eeewww, no tp flushing at all!!?? I think some areas of the kingdom like Jeddah may have some issues like that but our water pressure is unbelievable here! I'd never flush baby wipes but I did buy several packages of flushable wipes from England before I left for my kids. And I can't go outside in a skirt...see comment below...

Suburban- commando:-D hell, I can't even wear a skirt or dress when I leave my house. I have visions of tripping and falling in a cartoonish slip-on-a-banana peel way in which my legs fly up above my head and my hoo-ha is on display for the world to see. I can't even sleep without panties- I get weird dreams. Gotta have my goodies locked up! But many of my MIL's friends go commando (that makes a pretty picture- toothless old Saudi ladies+banana peel)And yes, Hema and I were in lit classes together in England.

Hema- I had to be Jonathon Swift about it and be high-brow about a low-brow issue. He's my literary hero.

بو سنان - I think you're right about the hand sanitizer, as well as deodorant and toothpaste..two other debated items.

Saudi Stepford Wife-Daisy said...

the DP- a bladder infections are so fun here with the types of medications they prescribe, from about 30 years ago.

HijabIsOverrated- When I'm in the west, I make wudu with my morning shower, put a pair of socks on and don't take them off for the rest of my prayers, just pass my wet hands over them.

zainab- thanks for stopping by:-)

anon1- it was always such an issue in the UK&US..."DON'T GET WATER ON THE FLOOR!", water from those little pots don't do the job!

Coolred38- Stop by again. You reminded me of the miqat on the way to Mecca, it's a nightmare!!! I've almost cried in there and next time I go to Mecca, I'll do everything before I leave home because I will NEVER wash in that disgusting place again-sunna or not!!!

Anon2- you must live in Jeddah! THe water pressure here is so high I've unintentionally given myself a colonic a time or two:-P

Safiya- wa alaikum salam. My in-laws had to install a "chair" toilet for me after I first came here, and I was pregnant, because I couldn't deal with the squat toilet. Now they love it because it's easier for them (they're old and arthritic).

aliyah- eeewww, no tp flushing at all!!?? I think some areas of the kingdom like Jeddah may have some issues like that but our water pressure is unbelievable here! I'd never flush baby wipes but I did buy several packages of flushable wipes from England before I left for my kids. And I can't go outside in a skirt...see comment below...

Suburban- commando:-D hell, I can't even wear a skirt or dress when I leave my house. I have visions of tripping and falling in a cartoonish slip-on-a-banana peel way in which my legs fly up above my head and my hoo-ha is on display for the world to see. I can't even sleep without panties- I get weird dreams. Gotta have my goodies locked up! But many of my MIL's friends go commando (that makes a pretty picture- toothless old Saudi ladies+banana peel)And yes, Hema and I were in lit classes together in England.

Hema- I had to be Jonathon Swift about it and be high-brow about a low-brow issue. He's my literary hero.

بو سنان - I think you're right about the hand sanitizer, as well as deodorant and toothpaste..two other debated items.

Saudi Stepford Wife-Daisy said...

cairogal- colonic or douche, take your pick.

Samia_DK said...

salaamu aleikum sister, hope you are well.
LOL, love this post... once again im in a hysterical laughter after reading on your blog... TP or no TP... reminds me of algeria :)

anyways, i have tagget you, see my blog for 'tag-rules' (and thank hema for this one, she really makes them go around)

masalaam
samia

brnaeem said...

AA- SSW,

"You reminded me of the miqat on the way to Mecca, it's a nightmare!!! I've almost cried in there and next time I go to Mecca, I'll do everything before I leave home because I will NEVER wash in that disgusting place again-sunna or not!!!"

We've had similar experiences in our trek from Riyadh to Mecca, but this last Ramadan I discovered the hotels right before the Meeqat. You can rent a room for 20riyals/hr and you get a nice clean bathroom! Can't believe I made my family suffer all these years. :-(

Samia_DK said...

my bad for not noticing that you had already been tagged with this annoying tag... sorry, you dont need to do it then (see hemas abillities reaches far-lol)

wasalaam.

Anonymous said...

of all the topics in the world...

Lilliy said...

That is really funny ..
I hate it when they use the phrase we dont want to imitate its ridiculous honestly.. I mean to those people I say just look at what you are wearing is that the traditional cloths of Muslims 1400+ years ago or why are you going to the supermarket or buying from the fast food chains or.. or.. or ..the list goes on and on..
I dislike extremism in any thing and this is taking it too far, not use TP and walk around soaked in the underwear ... to those people I say..go get your bottom wash cleaned and dry and dont be unhygienic ( because as a MD I say you can get a lot of yeast infections and bad odor from it being left moist in this hot weather ).

t ahmat said...

Asallam Alaikum Daisy and readers, LOL! Thanks for the laughs this last week.Should I prepare to pack an extra bag for toiletries when coming to Saudia?!I think I got this "blogger thing" figured out,InshAllah!

suhaa said...

asalaam alaikum warahmat Allah,

i just found this blog..and nice post you have here!

i've been living in madinah munawarra since january and i didn't understand the ban on toilet paper until now..religious??! give me a break :-)

baby wipes are expensive here, but we use them as an investment!! but once the kids really had to go and we didnt have any left :-( and those spray "shataffa" hoses are too much for kids to handle and i tell them not to use it because they'll end up soaking themselves in it, and the hygeine factor too!

alhamdulilah we havent had to use th hole style toilets yet..hope we will won't ever have to insha'Allah, although some will say its much cleaner?? this is another reason why i always try to have antibacterial on me as well...

certainly one of the things saudi next to get in gear with is the cleanliness in general of bathrooms..

http://suhaa.myminaret.com

abdel_haadie said...

For God's sake.... this is not a philosophical question

PLEASE TP!

Ninnevah said...

just hilarious!

at least here in dubai if theres no tp then you could usually take in a bunch of paper hand towels they have outside but most places are usually well stocked:)

am off to read ur previous posts now

Asiya said...

hysterical! Yes, I wipe, wash and then wipe dry! I can't cope without toilet paper!

TeacherLady said...

Perfect. Reminds me of my trip to Cairo. I kept a wad of TP in my handbag so I'd never be caught with my pants down... So to speak...

Anonymous said...

Sing it Sister! I'm currently back in Egypt and have lived between here and the UAE this past year. I am also a fan of the "wash and wipe" method"! As a muslimah, I did this in the States and I continue over here! No soggy panties for this Sister!

IndianaBeth said...

Hilarious! Delightful! True!

tony1960 said...

I couldn't imagine using my hand instead of TP. Yuk!!!!
Love your sense of humour...

Rainbow In The Grey Sky said...

why cant u use hand and toilet paper ? its actually cleaner as when u use toilet paper you smear the poo further running water , a had , some soap and TP to dry what could be cleaner? different cultures have different ways to administer personal hygine, i live in Algeria (British Ex-pat) most don't use TP to do with cost more than anything but we buy it and its there for who needs it , otherwise soggy knickers garlore!

Anonymous said...

this is new. so explain to me, toilet paper is unislamic?!

Saudi Stepford Wife-Daisy said...

sorry so late on the replies...I wanted to get caught up so I'm going through some older comments that were posted during my absence

samia- I bet the TP issue similar all through the mid-east.

brnaeem- great, great idea!!! I'll definately consider a hotel next time.

anon- its a must

lilliy- the one's that bug me the most are the one's that maintain its somehow cleaner with water only...I don't get it!

Tina- wa alaikum salam, grab a few kleenex on your way to the bathroom, that's what I do just in case.

suhaa-welcome to my blog. my kids have drenched themselves more than a few times with those hoses.

abdel_haadie- it shouldn't be...but then what would all those sheikhs do with their spare time from not making fatwas if people didn't nitpick over dumb issues like this?

Ninnevah- Dubai is an entity unto itself...to my delight when I visit. None of the rules apply there, thank God.

asiya- exactly

teacherlady- I heard the bathrooms in rural Egypt are a sight to see...TP won't save you from those.

anon2- we westernized Muslims and our new-fangled ideas:)

indianabeth- welcome, be sure to stop by again:)

tony1960- oh how I suffered..it is that gross.

rainbowinthegreysky- I can't do without my TP, just conditioned I guess.

anon3- that's the thing, it's not unislamic but the majority of those who oppose its use try to claim, in some round-about way, that it is wrong. They're a certain breed who tend to pick and choose and feign piety when it suits them.

Shama OomJihad said...

Masha'Allah sister. Your ode to TP is halarious! You are gifted. i just found your blog today and I look forward to reading more.

ASA,
Shama

claychick said...

as salaam alaikum everyone. im a revert and have been doing the water jug thing and recently been attacked with the yeast , now i know why. thanks all.

His Sweetheart said...

I don't think it's being deemed uninslamic!!
Some people don't use it since it's being used to lcean without water by Americans and Europeans.

We don't use it to clean, we use it to dry!

Sonica said...

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High Pressure Cleaning